I’ve been in several long term relationships, and it seems like a lot for my age I suppose, and a lot of people over time have tried to tell me its out of some insecurity. I’ve always had a hard time believing this and I still don’t because each one of those relationships has been so meaningful and so intense that it’s never just been random or completely dysfunctional, even if they were abusive in one way or another the love I had for those people was absolutely beautiful at the time. And now I don’t consider myself insecure or self hating, even if I was at one point, but I continue to experience relationships so it just doesn’t fit.
But what I am thinking now is I have a habit of equating someones love for me through sex, and vice versa. So as soon as relationship becomes sexually unsatisfying or there is a loss of attraction, I start to lose interest. But because I am such a sexual person and it is of such high importance to me, I don’t leave because I hope that it will get better, and I am constantly wanting a sexual relationship with someone. And it usually doesn’t, but then I find someone else that I feel an attraction too and it all cycles back from there.
It probably all sounds kinda screwed up, and maybe it is. I don’t really know how to end the cycle. I guess I could by just being single and seeing how that goes. But I am afraid that that would lead to a lot of meaningless sexual encounters. Not that that is bad. And maybe it is exactly what I need. Who knows?? Not me.